Thursday, August 26, 2010
Doing It All, But Doing Nothing Well
We have a lot of balls in the air. All the time.
Our children. Our marriages. Our homes. Our jobs.
Nevermind all the extras that define us and make us who we are.
Our extended families. Our friendships. Our interests. Our passions. Our dreams. Our goals.
Oftentimes, I feel like a circus clown wearing a neon curly wig and floppy shoes.
I'm stumbling over those shoes.
Yes, I have a lot of balls in the air. But you know what?
I feel like while I'm (barely) managing to do everything, I'm doing nothing well.
I kind of feel like a fraud here. Because from the outside, everyone around me thinks I "have it all together" and I do nothing to delude those notions.
When in reality?
Suffice it to say that there are issues.
And I know, I know, we all have them.
Those things we keep hidden from the outside world while we go about our day with a smile plastered on our face.
And it's not like it's anything major either. (Thank God.) But it's the day-to-day bullshit adding up and coming to a head.
While my 3 sons appear to be nice boys, at home they are brats and are ruling the house. They are dying for my attention, and I don't often give it to them as much as I know it should. I feel like I'm failing as a mother.
While my husband and I appear to be easygoing and relaxed with each other, we (more oftentimes than not lately) don't see eye-to-eye. I feel like with the distractions of our children, our jobs and f'ing football, we are living parallel lives. As individuals and not as partners. I feel like I'm failing as a wife.
While my house appears well-kept to an outsider, it's actually merely surface-clean. We have lived there over 9 years now and I don't think I have ever deep-cleaned it. I feel like I'm failing as a homeowner.
I have been deluding myself for awhile now. Going through my days with my hands firmly clamped over my ears singing "lalalala I can't hear youuuuuu" when I'm home, either burying myself in my laptop or simply shutting down and going to bed while chaos reigns around me and the boyz grow increasingly disrespectful of me, each other, and our home; while my husband and I either bicker or don't speak; and while my house gets dirtier and more disorganized.
So there you have it. That's what is going on in my world lately. It's certainly not pretty.
I think the approaching school year is going to be the perfect time for some major changes. I am determined to stop stumbling and to stand upright once again. While juggling proudly.