Friday, July 18, 2014

Salad Bar Etiquette 101

It seemed that once-upon-a-time that "All You Can Eat" food and salad bars were en vogue.  I have fond childhood memories of the cafeteria lines at Ponderosa Steakhouse and the salad bar at Pizza Hut (Tuesday nights were Family Night--where I'm sure kids ate free--and it was a treat to get a pitcher of SODA); the massive highways packed with buffet restaurants in Ft. Lauderdale when we'd visit my grandma (early bird specials!); and hell, even now there's still a good ole' Ruby Tuesday when you want one.  Or Myrtle Beach.  Still TONS of seafood buffets there.  (Blech.)

Which brings me to my work, and the omelet bar we have for breakfasts (you pick the ingredients, they make it for you) and the salad bar we have for lunches.  Both of which are quite popular.

However, I hesitate to attempt either one of these if there are other people around.  I have learned my lesson the hard way and am here to instruct you all on the proper buffet etiquette:

1.  Please don't step on the heels of the person in front of you in your eagerness to begin your salad bar quest.  The romaine lettuce and spinach isn't going anywhere.  Promise.  "This is my dance space. This is your dance space. I don't go into yours, you don't go into mine."  (Even Patrick Swayze knew as much.)

2.  The salad bar is a double-sided LINE of items.  Stay in LINE.  Because when you jump around, you throw everyone else off and upset the rhythm of the salad bar LINE.

3.  And speaking of being in line, it's a moving line.  Don't come to a halt to chat with a co-worker about last night's CSI: Idaho (or wherever they're finding dead bodies now).  You're blocking me from the roasted red peppers.

4.  Put the utensil back where you got it.  There's no need for the black olives to have 3 scoopers in it, while the poor shredded cheese has none.  And now the cheese is gonna taste like olive juice.  Thanks a lot.

5.  The salad bar is not a custom-order menu.  You can't stand there with the scooper and try to avoid all the raisins in the shredded carrot salad.  Take a scoop and move on.  Remove the raisins on your own time, my friend.

6.  I'm totally judging you on your gross-looking salad mixed with beets, hard boiled eggs, tofu, edamame, cottage cheese and yogurt.  And shredded carrot and raisin salad.

7.  It's a common fact that most salad bars pretty much consist of the same basic ingredients.  Especially in a work cafeteria.  So there's no need to peer over my shoulder and breathe down my neck while I'm in line so you can scope out today's fixings.  They're the same as yesterday's.  And will be the same tomorrow.  

8.  And finally, when we all make it to the end of the line, there's the ever-important salad dressing.  Ladle carefully please, for I don't need a clump of your bleu cheese dressing slopped into the balsamic that I want in your eagerness to dress your damn salad.  It's not rocket science.

(Oh and by the way, you seriously think tofu and beets taste good?)

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The Tooth Fairy: A Play in Five Acts

Act I

Middle child loses a tooth to little fanfare because (a) neither parent even knew it was loose and (b) he just randomly walked into the bathroom and pulled it out.

Act II

Child puts tooth in a ziploc baggie and carries it up to bed with him, placing it carefully under a mound of pillows, anxious to see how much money he'll get in the morning.  Said child loooooves to save/hoard his money and then splurge on big-ticket items (for example:  a handstitched Blake Griffin basketball jersey; customized Lebron sneakers).  

Both parents go to bed, neither of them playing the role of Tooth Fairy.


Middle child awakes to disappointment, for the Tooth Fairy has forgotten to pay him a visit.
Act IV

Repeat Act II, except Middle Child decides to only sleep with ONE pillow, so as not to confuse the Tooth Fairy on this night.  Perhaps she couldn't find the tooth under alllll those pillows last night?
Mother goes to bed, completely forgetting about the damn tooth.

Father goes up to bed and plays the role of (generous) Tooth Fairy, taking the tooth and leaving the child a $5 bill in the ziploc under his pillow.  Mother is already asleep, so no discussion is had.

Act V

Mother awakens before father and realizes that shit, no money was left AGAIN by the Tooth Fairy and this would be BAD.  So mother scurries down to her wallet and unearths three one-dollar bills.  In the interest of time (and not getting caught), she throws the money on the side of his sleeping head.

Mother goes for a run.

When she returns, father is awake.  Mother informs father that she left money from the Tooth Fairy.  Father informs mother that he, in fact, did too.  Crap.  An $8.00 payout for an insignificant tooth is quite outrageous and needs to be remedied.

Mother sneaks up the stairs and cracks open middle child's bedroom door.  Middle child stirs and 2 of the 3 dollar bills float down off the bed to the floor.  Mother gets on her hands and knees, and snakes her hand in to reach the money off the floor.  She stands up, and quickly grabs the remaining dollar by the sleeping child's head and rushes off, realizing how foolish she must have looked.

As you can see, playing Tooth Fairy is complicated.  At what age do they not believe so we can be done with this foolishness??

Wednesday, July 02, 2014

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things - Summer 2014

(Because who doesn't love The Sound of Music?)

Number 1 is this hand cream from Bath & Body Works.  It smells delish (like vanilla cupcake, but not too sicky sweet), goes on smooth, and lasts all day.  It's honestly the best lotion I have found in a long time!  (I use it on my arms and on the bottom of my feet too.)

Smashbox blush.  Sephora is a dangerous place, I know that.  I go in there and lose all my willpower and start buying wayyyyy too expensive makeup that I don't really need when I can just buy the Normal Everyday Brands (Covergirl, L'Oreal) at freaking' Wal-mart and look FINE.  But there's something in the air vents at Sephora.  I cross the threshold into the store and it's like I'm brainwashed and am a zombie looking for braaaaaaains.  "Bluuuush, I need new bluuuuush."  But honestly, this price point wasn't that bad (right??) and I feel like it will last me for a long time and I rully rully rully like the color (I got the Petal Pink). 

Next on my list is this Southwestern Black Bean salad dip.  (Psssst....are you following me on Pinterest?)  One (meaning me) could seriously eat this as a meal.  (I use a bag of frozen southwestern style corn and omit the chili powder.) I serve it with the whole grain Tostitos scoops chips and it has gotten rave reviews.  And most importantly?  It's WICKED easy to make.

Legos.  People love 'em and people hate (stepping on) 'em.  I feel like I go both ways with Legos as well.  When Middle was younger, at age 6 or 7, he had an interest and so we had a few sets around our Trenches.  But shortly thereafter, he tired of them and there they sat, all lonely, until I purged and got rid of ALL of them.  Fast forward to NOW.   Baby is into them.  Like - that's all he wanted for his birthday - into them.

And thus, I find myself once again with Legos allllll over my Trenches.  (Bad)  But but but he spends HOURS, I tell you, HOURS, building sets with nary a peep out of him.  (Good.  Very good.)  I guess I will suck it up.

Next up is TV-watching (of which I probably do too much of).  I absolutely loved Season 2 of Orange is the New Black!  There are so many possibilities for Season 3!  And I truly enjoyed the ending of Season 2.  I thought it was wrapped up nicely with a bow for us viewers.  I'm only now just starting to watch Scandal.  (Please tell me I'm not the only one who hasn't watched yet??)  Kerry Washington does something weird with her mouth when she talks (is it over-enunciating?) but other than that, I dig it.  And of course there's my summer pleasure, Big Brother.  Oh, and all the new Bravo shows that start in July.  My DVR is working overtime.

Next up on my list of faves is this pair of shoes from Charming Charlie.  I actually bought them super-early in the season back when it was still winter here (as in, the entire month of April).  You guys, even though they might look kinda tortuous, they totally aren't!  I think wedge heels are very comfy and flattering.  The criss-cross straps on these are elastic so they fit my narrow foot really well.  If you like wedges, I highly recommend these - and who would've thunk that Charming Charlie would have great shoes, as well as stylish and cheap jewelry!

Ok, so grocery shopping isn't one of my favorite things but this is a new favorite discovery:  Market Basket.  I know it's probably local to my area but holy cow - do you have one of these?  For YEARS, people in my town have been swearing by this store for groceries.  Yet I stubbornly continued to do my one-stop-shopping at our cruddy Super Wal-mart.  (We also go to BJ's for paper products and meats, and I get my produce elsewhere because the Wal-mart produce is horrid.)  (So uh, yeah, it wasn't really one-stop-shopping.)  But I have an aversion to learning the setup of a new grocery store.  I hate not knowing where things are.  And I don't want to drive any further than I have to.  But after much peer pressure (Laurie!), I decided to give it a shot, and OMG I cannot believe how CHEAP this grocery store is!  I'm easily saving 10-15% more.  Wal-mart, you are dead to me...unless I need tampons and/or cheap makeup (see above).

And finally, it wouldn't be summer without a fun summer drink!  I'm always up for trying (and experimenting) (which sometimes leads to trouble because taste-testing a bunch of different alcohol recipes = whoops) (again, Laurie!) but this flavor of vodka (Red Berry) mixed with Sprite Zero has become my go-to cold and fizzy and refreshing summer drink.

Cheers and Happy Summer!

Sunday, June 29, 2014


My bouncing 3rd (and last) baby boy is NINE YEARS OLD today!  Baby, may you never lose your steadfast determination, charm, and disarming grin, for I suspect they will serve you well in your life, with whatever you choose to do.

Our Trenches certainly wouldn't be the same without you and your frat-boy tendencies!












I love you always.  Even when you're naughty.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

The Eyeglasses Story

Every year, the 3rd graders are required to do a poster project about a historical figure from Massachusetts.  (Last year Middle chose Doug Flutie.)  This year, Baby was assigned Norman Rockwell.  And for some reason (which I don't remember happening last year), the project was due at the VERY END of the school year.

You know, when the children (and parents alike) are mentally ALL DONE with school.

Good times.

Even more so for me because Baby is my toughest child to get to focus.  He fidgets, he stalls, he wanders, he flails, he whines, he cries, he lays on the get the picture.

This damn project was going to be the death of me.  Fortunately we worked it out with minimal threats of violence, and I didn't have to just do the entire project myself and have all the other parents judging my (awesome) work.  Which?  Aren't all these school projects Parent Homework anyway?  In some way or another?

And so, the Norman Rockwell poster was completed in a timely fashion with ungodly amounts of Elmer's glue.

We decided that he would have a fake pipe (that I ordered from an independent seller on Amazon that never came - epic fail) and fake glasses.  However, the cheapo Harry Potter glasses that I also ordered broke instantly.  Another epic fail.  Our only option was to have Baby wear his dad's old prescription glasses.  Which was fine, but he was strictly warned to ONLY wear them for the showing of the project.  As a child who is prone to migraines, I didn't want him getting a doozy of one from wearing glasses that totally would not match his eyesight. 

I'm pretty sure you can guess how the rest of this story goes, right?

Towards the end of the school day, I started getting text messages:

"I love Matt's new glasses!"

"I asked him if he needed them for reading or distance and he told me both."

Yup, he wore those OLD PRESCRIPTION GLASSES ALL DAY IN SCHOOL.  And snowed everyone. So when I indicated that Sir Baby was a LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE:

"I can't stop laughing about it.  I totally fell for it.  I kept telling him he needed to keep them on to get used to it."

Needless to say, that night we had to have a talk with the young lad.  A chat about the difference between something you WANT to be true and what is the ACTUAL TRUTH.


I mean, Baby has wanted glasses FOR - EV - ER.  He tries them on at stores everywhere.  He wears fake ones with no lenses and pretends they're real.  He YEARNS for corrective lenses like I yearn for new purses and shoes.

Apparently he figured that this was his big chance.

The kicker?  He wore those glasses all damn day and didn't get a headache!  I couldn't believe it.  Which led us to think hmmmm....maybe he really does need glasses?

Needless to say, we haven't taken him to the eyedoctor yet because chance are?  He will totally miss ALL those letters on the board ON PURPOSE in the hopes of FINALLY getting REAL GLASSES.

This kid, man.

Friday, June 20, 2014

10 Sure Signs That You Are PMSing (And By *You* I Mean ME)

1.  Your cute capri pants are suddenly hard to button and you wonder why your damn dryer keeps shrinking your clothes.

2.  Your boobs look like inflated balloons, even without wearing your Victoria's Secret chicken cutlet pushup bra.

3.  You haven't met a salty potato chip that you didn't immediately cram into your mouth.

4.  Ditto for anything chocolate.

5. When your husband asks you what's wrong, you just roll your eyes and mutter, "NOTHING, I'M FINE."

6. Everything and everybody is annoying.

7.  When you hear your children fighting, instead of refereeing like you usually do, you hide in the bathroom playing Candy Crush and let them duke it out on their own instead.

8.  Your cramps feel like labor pains.

9. Ice cream for dinner seems perfectly rational.

10.  Even your goddamn underwear feels tight.

Just me?

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Middle is TEN!

Dear Middle,

Today you turn double-digits!  From a nonstop-crying infant, you transformed into a totally messy baby with sticky-up hair, to an early walker, to a BIG BROTHER, all during your first 12-1/2 months!
 You never ever had a clean face or outfit, even though I tried.
Standing and walking around the furniture at a mere 6-1/2 months old.  Crazy!

Licking your new baby brother.

We love your crazy faces and sounds.  Toothbrushing takes you twice as long because you can't stop yourself from making new faces in the mirror - every time.

Your favorite shows are American Idol, America's Got Talent, and all the Nickelodeon shows.  You know all the words to every song out there, but won't let me record you singing anymore.  But you did belt your little heart out at your chorus performance in front of the entire audience! 

Basketball is your favorite sport, the LA Clippers are your favorite team, and you want to be the next Blake Griffin when you grow up.  Like seriously, that's your goal.  We're not gonna burst your bubble on that one quite yet.

You adore amusement parks and love to go on all the fast, high and spinny rides. 

You are an awesome baseball pitcher.  

Your favorite foods are grilled chicken, Moe's burritos, and ribs.

Vanilla ice cream is your favorite dessert.

You have great hair.

You love having pajama days on the weekends, especially in the fall when you can sit and watch NFL Red Zone alllll day.  The 49ers are your favorite football team.

Spiderman is your favorite character.  It's one of your deep bonds with Aunt Kate. 

You are our resident airhead.  (It's the artist in you.)  Daddy and I wish we could see what you're thinking sometimes because you are so random and easily distracted.  On that note, you're also the family slowpoke.

We love your caring and sensitive side.  You are a giver and a peacemaker.

You are our Middle and we wouldn't have you any other way.

This morning


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