Thursday, March 11, 2010

Driving While Cleansing

Another one for the "this could only happen to me" archives...

So, as you know, I'm doing a 7-Day Cleanse.  (Day 5 today, holla!)

You are supposed to drink the dietary supplement throughout the course of an entire day.  But it tastes gross (to me), so I like to get it over with.  (Patience?  Thy name is NOT Sarah.)

Consuming it quickly causes *unfortunate* consequences.

Like the runrunrun to the bathroom RIGHT NOW sort of consequences.  (When this happens at work, I just put a determined look on my face and act like I have somewhere really important to go.)  (Which I do.)

You get my point.

Ironically enough, we watched "Dumb and Dumber" on Sunday night.
SO.

Yesterday I was driving home from work, having already drank my 32 oz. of gutrot marine botanicals.

When you're shifting into first and you feel something burst...

And that's when it kicked in.

Thankfully, I was already off the Mass Pike and headed down the home stretch.

But I was definitely driving over the speed limit.  (And sweating.)

And I thought, "Oh my God, what if I got pulled over for speeding?  Seriously, what would I DO?!"

Because you know how when you get pulled over (I mean, SO I'VE HEARD FROM OTHER PEOPLE) the policeman just sorta ambles over to your car, strolling casually, like he's got all the time in the world?

What would I say?  Would I tell him why my sense of urgency was justified?  And if so, would he buy it and let me go?  Unlikely.  I guess I would just have to sit there, groaning, clenching and HOPING for no leakage.

Could you even imagine?!  I would be the talk of the thirteenth precinct that night, that's for sure. 

"Hey guys, gather round.  Now I know we've all heard some good ones, but have I got a DOOZY for you!  Today, when I pulled this gal over, you will NEVER BELIEVE the excuse she gave me."

Sweet.

When you're shifting into third and your pants are full of turd...

So all these thoughts were furiously racing through my head as my belly grumbled and I continued my frenetic quest to stave off the seepage.

(The website, by the way?  LIES.  It describes the process as "gentle elimination".  Let me be the first to tell you that there's nothing *gentle* about it.)

Thankfully, though, all's well that ends well.

I made it back to the Trenches.  Without being pulled over.  Safe and sound and perhaps doing some Lamaze breathing.

When you're driving to your home and your pants are full of foam...

29 comments:

The Mommyologist said...

This was HYSTERICAL! I've actually heard that telling a cop you've got the runs works every time. Thankfully I've never had to try it! I must say that I'm curious about this cleanse...I may have to give it a whirl!

Classy Fab Sarah said...

Can't. Stop. Laughing.

Geezees Custom Canvas Art said...

That is too funny :)

Vodka Logic said...

Oh my.. soon there will be nothing left to cleanse and it won't be so bad?

We got pulled over on 495 once and I had to pee really bad and we told the cop who told us where a rest stop was. He pulled away, without ticketing us, we pretended to be pulling back on the highway and as soon as he was out of range we stopped and I ran into the woods and peed...
Moral it worked that time. :)

Megan said...

Hilarious!

I would use that as an excuse if pulled over, but I don't think I'd have the guts!

Scary Mommy said...

Just when I thought I couldn't possibly love you more, I read this. And, I love you even more.

Still laughing.

HSaboMilner said...

Truly funny! I can so sympathize. Glad you made it home safe and sound, without sacrificing your dignity in front of a cop.

oh what a mental image....!

Christine said...

Honest to God, I'm crying laughing! I need to share this. :D

Michele R said...

What if the thrones were already occupied when you ran in the door by those who are not Queen of the Trenches?!!?

Rebekah said...

Why on earth are you doing a cleanse that could result in the despoiling of your car in this way? Madness, I tell you, madness. But funny, funny, FUNNY, madness!

Shell said...

Hilarious! I'm scared to try a clense. I would be the one getting pulled over and it wouldn't be pretty.

Jennifer said...

Just FYI I had a class in undergrad w/ a former police officer. He said late one night he pulled a guy over AND let him off on the speeding ticket because the guy used that excuse. Of course, by the time my classmate had gotten to the car the guy had already had an accident, but hey- he did get out of the ticket...

The Black Kitteh said...

LOL. Too funny! So glad you did not have to explain this to a police man!

kirsten said...

I think, in the interests of investigative journalism (which is of course ABSOLUTELY what blogging is right?) you need to be spending more time in your car. At least whilst doing the cleanse.

You know, so you can do a follow-up piece on whether the urban myth REALLY IS TRUE.

Glad you made it home this time, anyway. You made me snort coffee thru my nose, I was laughing so hard.

angelpeach838 said...

I love that you remember the diarrhea nursery (?) rhymes! Brings back great memories circa third grade. Fun fun stuff :) Glad you made it home (mostly) safe and sound!

TAMMY said...

Too funny!! As someone who just finished a cleanse I can totally relate! I had forgotten that school aged rhyme. Thanks for the trip down memory lane!

Rebecca said...

Wow...remind me NEVER to attempt a cleanse! The scene from D&D is the best (if you think poop is funny and seriously, who doesn't?)!

Sephysmomma said...

That was too funny. I bet you would have gotten out of a ticket if it came to that.

Rebecca Jill said...

I'm so glad you made it home, and that you weren't pulled over.

What a harrowing adventure!

Yankee Wife said...

OMG!! That is toooo funny!!! Mostly because I can so relate! I ate broccoli cheese soup at Panera Bread one day and as soon as I'd finished eating, I had to runrunrun. Unfortunately, I didn't make it in time and had to sit on a plastic bag for the 30 minute drive home. What a day I wish I could forget! ha!

Manic Mommy said...

Who says bloggers overshare? Not me!

I remember a conversation at work about how we'd rather be bulimic. Hands down, it would be your way.

Serenityville said...

This is why I love you. She kinda looks like you. I recently heard this Margaret Cho hilarious telling of a similar tale...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hF1pIMgE8FA

Angella said...

Remind me to never do a cleanse...

carrie said...

I don't think I could have pulled those words out of...well out of thin air if you had asked me to, but as soon as I started reading it I lost it and instantly remembered the whole rhyme!

That is classic.

But the real question - I have the cleanse upstairs just waiting for me to start. Is it worth it? I'm so freaked out now...and I don't have far to commute even!

Jenn@ The Crazies said...

Little known fact about Jenn @ The Crazies... I have IBS... and BAD... my little secret.. occasionally when you see me race away from the football field doing 80 mph... its cuz I am headed to my moms cuz I know I wont make it to MY house!

MommyLovesStilettos said...

Came over from SITS :)

seriously, the funniest thing I've read all day and I Just have to follow your blog now! :)

Dianna@KennedyAdventures said...

It also makes me think of the scene from Van Wilder -- you know, Colon Blow??

Ok ... I'm cracking myself up. Go rent it. Plus, you can see Ryan Reynolds. Rawr!!

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

OMG. If you'd have gotten pulled over you could have totally said, "I HAVE EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA, OKAY?!?" ... and I bet the cop would've been rendered speechless. Or better yet, maybe he (or she)would've given you a police escort back to the Trenches.

Okay, maybe not, but it's fun to imagine. :)

Mama Kat said...

I don't think I would pull over for the cop. I would have him follow me home and go sprinting into my house like I had something to hide.

Do they let you blog in jail?

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