Are You Victoria's Secret Bathing Suit Ready? The 2013 Edition!

As we all emerge rubbing our eyes and blinking at the bright orb in the sky after a long winter's hibernation, pudgy and butt-white, Victoria's Secret would like to welcome us to spring with a reminder of what we have to look forward to - BATHING SUIT SHOPPING SEASON!

And because we know that Vicky totally has our best interests at heart as Moms and that we sooooo are that store's main demographic, here's what they have for us this year as we schlep all our shit to the beach and chase after whiny, sandy children!

I'm sorry, I'm just not getting the whole "jewelry at the beach" thing.  

Wouldn't it give you funky tan lines?  

Wouldn't it tarnish?

Actually, I guess I'm just not getting the whole "weird body jewelry" in general.

Because Mommy TOTALLY stands like this while she's watching her offspring frolic in the sand.  

If she's drunk, that is.

What's up with the criss-crossing going on here? 

To accentuate your ribcage, perhaps?

Errr, isn't the whole point of a coverup to COVER.UP?

"Mommy, do you have to go potty too?"

 The "Mommy Had a Spasm and Now Her Body is Stuck That Way" bikini

1983 called.  They want their romper back.

What?  You've never desired an off-the-shoulder bathing suit?

 And for a mere $190 (true story), this bedazzled bikini top can be yours!

See you at Land's End, ladies!

(Past editions of this post:  2009 edition; 2010 edition; 2011 edition; 2012 edition)