Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Constipated

Having so many people know about this little space of mine is both a blessing and a curse. 

A blessing because, hello?  I kinda like the recognition that goes along with being a "Digital Mom".  Otherwise, I'd be keeping a handwritten journal tucked into my bedside drawer. 

And there are perks. Making extra money, meeting new people, experiencing new opportunities. These are all adventures I've been lucky enough to embark on because of this blog.

I've been doing this for almost 5 years now.  Reading Alexa's elegant prose made something click inside of me.  YES, THIS.  THIS IS WHAT I DO.  THIS IS HOW I WANT IT TO BE:

"I often think that reading—most art, really—is like a vast, temporally flexible game of Marco Polo. (Not the most sophisticated metaphor, but there you go.) We are desperate to see reflections of our own lives and experiences pinned down and made richer and more coherent with language. They help us understand ourselves and our world, and give us the relief of knowing that we’re all in this together. I wrote a whole damn memoir, for god’s sake, and I wrote it because I know firsthand the loneliness of being unable to find an echo. When some woman carrying one live baby and one dead one, or sitting next to an isolette, whispers “Marco!” I want my book, flawed as it is, to be the “Polo!” called reassuringly back to her."

My main goal for this blog is to have you, my readers, relate to me. I want someone reading this to get the sense of, "Whew. Glad I'm not the only one who feels/thinks/does that!"

You guys are the "Polo!" to my "Marco!"

And for that I am thankful.

However...

Yes, I'm keeping it real.  But I'm not keeping it really real.

I am aware of my audience.  I know who the people are who read this.

Family.  Friends.  Co-workers.

There are just certain things I don't write about.  That I wish I could.

Anger.  Frustrations.  Annoyances.  Things that I would just love to be able to VENT about and have someone come back and say, "Hey, sometimes I feel that way too.  You are NOT alone."

But I can't, at the risk of offending.  Or hurting feelings.  Or making things worse.  So I don't.

So here it stays, inside of me.  All bottled up.

Truth is?  I am struggling right now.  Trying to figure out where my Happy went.  Trying to figure out why it disappeared.  And trying to figure out how to get it back.

MARCO?

13 comments:

Vodka Logic said...

When I have wanted to vent and it could hurt feelings or be misunderstood I ask to guest blog on friends blogs...it works.

Gets it out there and I feel better.

Rebecca M. said...

Start a seperate blog that you keep private. That way you can get out everything you want to say but its just for you and the people you invite in to read it.

Denise said...

Oh geez....you have to take a stool softener and get going with this! Keep it private, on line, or in a book journal. I have two book journals....used to be one till I hit the teenage years with my kids. Sometimes I feel cowardly only writing in it when the going gets tough but that is better than holding it on or taking it out on those around me when I can't hold it in. Every time I vent in my journal..I end up looking back at other entries. It actually helps to make a personal point of reference. Sure this sucks, I might think, but looking back helps me see that most often I have survived, managed, or overcome much worse events. We are sometimes stronger that we think or remember, and recording it for later use is a good thing. My favorite pages are the ones where my tears stained or warped the pages. Hang in there Sarah!

Mari said...

Your blog does help me. You may not be sharing it all - which I completely understand - but what you do share does help me realize that I am not alone. Life is hard and crazy for all of us. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Polo....
I completely understand your feelings. I relate to just about every blog entry you type- especially this one!

Thanks for sharing and I hope that you know you are not alone!!!
Lorie

Maureen said...

POLO!

Understand completely.....

Heather said...

I also use the guest blogging technique. And then I tell absolutely no one (ie friends, family, neighbors, people I don't really like, but who still read my blog anyway) about it. I like it because you get feedback (your Polo) but you don't offend anyone or ruffle any feathers in your blog.

LOVE IT

mostlyfitmom said...

"POLO," for sure. Sometimes I write negative stuff in my blog, but typically not the school/work related stuff that would be sort of questionable for me to share online. You never know who might be reading, right? But I've been thinking of keeping a separate, private blog because I know I won't ever keep an paper journal, but sometimes it does help to write things down. It brings clarity.

amanda said...

polo! times a million.

hence me and the private blog. with friends like you who aren't apart of the "real world"

here's to finding your happy friend.

Classy Fab Sarah said...

Sorry you are feeling emotionally constipated.... I've been feeling the same way lately. IT SUCKS!

Living in Cancer said...

I know that I have to vent somewhere. Whether it be on my currently blog or my personal blog post that I never hit publish on. I need a "polo" now and again and I too guest blog for the times. I hope you do realize your not alone. That everyone loses their happy at times and finding it can be a challenge. Don't let your worries of offended out way your need to speak.

Kim - Mommycosm said...

Polo!
You can guest post/vent over at my blog anytime;-)
Or just call and vent!

Michelle said...

I find that writing it but never posting it helps tremendously. After some time and a perspective change, it can be edited for use or kept in the private stash for secret enjoyment.

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