Therefore, by the time I am out the door on Monday-Friday around 7am in the morning, I have already done all these things. Every. Single. Day. I kid you not:
*exercised for 45 minutes
*caught up with Words With Friends on the iPad
*packed 3 lunches and 3 snacks for the boyz
*set up backpacks, all ready to go, by the door
*made 3 breakfasts for the boyz (usually cereal)
*showered/blow-dried my hair/gotten dressed/applied
*picked out 2 school outfits (Middle and Baby)
*applied some sort of bandaid/neosporin to at least one child's body
*some sort of laundry (whether sorting/folding/putting away/starting a load)
*packed my own lunch (some days)
*made my own breakfast (every day)
When I write it all down, it makes me think, "Holy crap! That's a frigging lot of stuff before 7 in the morning."
I still feel like I'm falling short in sooo many ways.
Why, hello, Mommy Guilt. Like a bad rash, you keep coming back.
(I searched and realized I have written over 25 blog posts mentioning "Mommy Guilt." Gah.)
Over the past few years, the Mommy Guilt has definitely shifted. Before, I used to agonize over being a working mother and leaving my babies in the care of someone else for those years that I commuted into Boston. Someone else, not me, spent more time with my children than I did.
Ouch, my heart.
But this past September, I found that heaviness in my heart lifting when Baby started full-time kindergarten. All 3 of my boyz are in school during the week. I don't have that type of Guilt anymore.
However, the Guilt has shifted.
Now that the boyz are older, they are definitely playmates. Whether it's playing the Wii, or playing outside, or playing inside, they keep each other company. They are much more self-sufficient and less reliant on me. Which leaves me time to do things that need to get done. Cooking. Cleaning. Laundry.
Every minute of every day is accounted for.
So when I empty a backpack and see a library book that I know I haven't sat and read with a child before it's due back, it breaks me.
Little things like that.
I feel like the boyz have become almost immune, in a sense, to needing me. That they are used to me Being Busy. And therefore, they have learned not to ask me for little things like sitting and reading a book with them.
Ouch, my heart.
This is my fault. And this is something I need to work on.
And then, this morning: Before heading out the door to work, I was giving kisses. And explaining to the boyz that I wouldn't see them until tomorrow night, as I'm heading into Boston overnight to speak at Bloggy Boot Camp tomorrow.
Middle looked up at me with his big brown eyes and asked, "How come you never come to any of my baseball games?"
Like a dagger.
To be fair, the game that I am missing tonight is a make-up game that wasn't on the schedule. And the only other game I missed was because I had to take Eldest to his game. But yes, I am missing 2 games tomorrow while I am in Boston.
More Mommy Guilt. Because I'm taking time for myself. Doing something I love to do.
But taking time away from my family.
I honestly don't know what the Right Answer is.
Is there one?