Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Are You Victoria's Secret Bathing Suit Ready? The 2011 Edition

Winter means adding an extra layer of body fat.  For warmth, of course.

Winter means not shaving...anywhere.  For warmth, of course.

Unfortunately, it's that time of year again ladies! Time to feel even worse about our bodies than we already do!

So smooth down that leg hair, swallow the cupcake and sit back and enjoy, because it's time for your sneak peek at the 2011 Victoria's Secret Swimsuits!

First of all, what grown adult woman lays in the sand like that...EVER?!


Because weird tan lines are super sexy on one's back...or on one's arm.


Yee-haw!  Introducing the Redneck Swimsuit.  Tattoos and Marlboros not included.

Because most women usually go to the flower market dressed like that.


Mayday!  Mayday!  We've got a left tit that's about to jump ship!


The Madonna "Into the Groove" swimsuit circa 1985

I don't know about you, but certainly my #1 priority in a bathing suit is that it smooshes my boobs like pancakes.  With just a hint of nipple tease.


Step 1:  Tie-dye a shirt.  Step 2:  Shred shirt.  Step 3:  Tie shredded ends together.  Step 4:  Sell as a bathing suit for $160.


"C'mon children.  Momma's got her coverup on and is ready to take you to the playground!"


After her grandmother died, Karen found the perfect use for grandma's coffee table doilies.



"Honey, do I have a wedgie?"

The End

*****
Awesomest Comment:  I don't even bother looking VS when I'm in the mall. Just makes me want to walk in, strip down, and say loudly "Oh yeah?!? Well, you come to me 25 years and 3 kids from now and we'll see how the perky have fallen!" --Making It Work Mom

21 comments:

Lynn from For Love or Funny said...

In order to be a bathing suit model, you have to be able to shape your spine into the letter "S."

I guess S is for sexy, after all. But it sure looks uncomfortable.

beenomom said...

Sarah, friggin' hysterical again this year!! I forgot about last year's edition until now! My fave: "mayday, mayday, left tit about to jump ship!!!" Ha ha ha ha, absolute riot!! Thanks for making me laugh so hard today!

Anonymous said...

This post is hilarious and I thank you, I really needed a good laugh!

Kim - Mommycosm said...

I <3 you! That's all.

Well, that and...thanks a lot for making me laugh for what feels like the first time in forever. Winter and flu stole my sense of humor. Back now thanks to the left tit comment.

Anne said...

Is it just me or photo one's shoulder point and hand kind of wonky looking? I call Photoshop!

jodie said...

You are so much funnier now that you are closer to 40:)!!!! Which will you be taking to our on again/off again bitches bash to Myrtle????

theclassconnection said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

very funny stuff!
Jenny

Rebecca said...

This is great!! I just worship the ground you walk on right now b/c these girls deserve to be made fun of (as do their photo directors)!!!

Maureen said...

i love this post every time you do it. A riot.

MommaKiss said...

The wedgie, well, happens all the time....

Kami said...

Love it! I laughed out loud. Especially the Redneck bikini. I'm so ordering that. When I lose 15 pounds...

anne nahm said...

I lolled even as my cupcake curdled in panic at the pit of my stomach.

Tasha said...

I LOVE your captions! So funny.

Stopping in from SITS. :)

Anonymous said...

OK, I am LMAO!!!!

Shannon said...

OMG you are SO funny! LOVE this.

Vodka Logic said...

hysterical.. I was planning on buying one of each but now I know you will tease me...not so much.
Thanks for the laugh

Rebecca said...

This post is hilarious and true!!!!
I was just actually in the store the other day. I think I may have been the oldest one there!

WorkingMom said...

I don't even bother looking VS when I'm in the mall. Just makes me want to walk in, strip down, and say loudly "Oh yeah?!? Well, you come to me 25 years and 3 kids from now and we'll see how the perky have fallen!"

The Coupon Goddess said...

Bwa ha ha ha ha. I just snorted coffee out of my nose. Pancake boobs with a side of nipple tease. I think I have third degree burns in my left nostril.

indyink said...

Anne is absolutely right. VS is famous for heavily Photoshopping all models, so we could all look like this in 15 minutes with the same editor retouching our pictures. I actually collect these disasters at Pinterest if you want to see more:

http://pinterest.com/indyink/don-t-compare-yourself-to-celebrities/

NO, that is not a spam link. Anyway, I cracked up at that first picture... the editor deleted her top arm entirely, and just left her with a hand! Then in the Madonna suit picture, her poor right leg looks dislocated. I never get this catalog anymore, just for this reason.

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