Thursday, April 02, 2009

Funkitude

Have been feeling very blah since my return to work yesterday.

I was home Monday and Tuesday with the boyz because my babysitter was out of town. I bought an extra week of vacation this year, because Hubby and I knew that there would be occasions when we wouldn't have childcare coverage. These days off came at a much needed time, both professionally and personally.

But I assumed that after two full days at home in the Trenches, I would be somewhat READY to head back into my work world.

We all know what happens when you ASSume...

Don't get me wrong, it definitely wasn't all roses and fairies though.

Baby continued his Reign of Terror all day on Monday. Testing his limits, pushing my buttons. For example, I ended up CHASING him around the house because he had grabbed a carton of ice cream out of the freezer and wanted it RIGHT NOW (before lunch). The little sh*t made it 1-1/2 loops around the entire downstairs (damn you, open floor plan!) before I could catch him (with Middle lounging on the couch, watching the footrace, cheering Baby on). I was mad that he had defied me to begin with by even opening the freezer, but then when I couldn't catch him? I.Was.Furious.

Not wanting to be left out, Tuesday was Middle's Day of Rotten. He started out by not wanting to eat breakfast. Then not wanting to get dressed. Not wanting to go to school. Not wanting to get in his carseat. Not wanting to carry his frickin backpack. You get the picture.

After preschool dropoff, I had the grandest of plans to spend a glorious 2-1/2 hours Getting Stuff Done while the boyz were Getting Edjumacated. I wanted to go to Lands End at Sears to try on bathing suits (I just threw up in my mouth a little) and I needed to go to the Gap Outlet to return some pants.

(Side rant: WTF with your clothing sizes, Gap Outlet? I tried on pair of pants, labeled Short. They were too short. So I bought the same size, just in Regular. Silly me for not trying them on, even though they were the SAME SIZE. Because of course they don't fit.)

Anyway, the errands didn't happen. Reality set in immediately after preschool drop-off. Stores don't open until 10:00 on weekdays. I was only free from 8:45 until 11:30. Not NEARLY enough time to take full advantage of child-free shopping!

So I went home. And cleaned. And did laundry. (Riveting, I know.)

When I picked up Middle and Baby from preschool, it was a balmy 50 degrees out (yes, 50 is downright tropical for this time of year in Massachusetts so shut up) so we headed to the playground. I packed a nutritious lunch for all of us stopped at Burger King beforehand (because really, who am I kidding?) and we had a picnic.

I made dinner both nights I was home. Dinner was on the table at 5:30, a full hour before I even arrive home most nights. The laundry was caught up. The vacuum was utilized. Our evenings weren't rushed. A palpable sense of calmness pervaded the Trenches for those 2 glorious days.

I was Happy. Content. Settled. At Peace.

And honestly? I am working full-time purely for the money. For my family's financial future. This decision certainly wasn't made overnight. It involved a lot of discussions and tears between Hubby and I. He has been nothing but 110% supportive. And I know that I'm doing the right thing for my family at this point in our lives.

But the Mommy Guilt? It tears me up inside, dear readers. All day, every day. There's always something I'm NOT doing and not ABLE to do, and there's always a little boy who I'm not there for.

Jeez, the point of this entry was to tell you about my 2 days off and it has turned into this.
*wiping away tears at my keyboard*

Sometimes the money just isn't worth it. There, I said it.

And when you're a Mother, there's just no place like home.

But again, deep down, I know that I'm doing the right thing for my family at this point in our lives.

Some days weeks this knowledge is just a harder pill to swallow than others.

27 comments:

Marie said...

I feel your pain. We decided i wouold stay home. But there are times I would love to help out financially. SIGH ! Mommy guilt is a powerful thing.

brandeejaxn said...

I completely feel for you. I'm a working mother also and the breadwinner. I'd much rather be at home most of the time, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

Allison said...

I completely understand where you are coming from. I used to be a stay at home mom. I did it for 5 years.....which drove us deep into debt and Reality made me go out into the working world. Times are still tough even with the double income. There are days I dream about all the things I could be doing with the kids instead of being at work. I miss the preschool drop off and pick up the most.

Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

I have a post in draft about this. I know - I know.

I also know about the sizing thing, and the bathing suit thing. (rolls eyes)

Petunia Face said...

I wish I had some words of wisdom--I've been there and will be there again (god willing). But I have no wisdom here, just hugs. :)

Manic Mommy said...

I'm the other side of the coin. I worked for my oldest's 1st four years, then stayed home when my husband got a job 55 miles away.

I had a silly image of the squeaky clean home, the boys making macaroni art at the kitchen table while I made lasagna from scratch. Yeah, right but it is what's right for my family right now. So I do it.

It's not greener on this side of the fence; it's just different.

AZ Mommy said...

I'm starting to dislike money and the control it has over my life Because of the mommy guilt.

Lynette3boys said...

Oh, bless your dear heart. But I am sure the moments you spend with them are never taken for granted and you make the best out of them.

It's ironic because I have guilt as well, just the complete opposite of you. I feel like I should be working and helping pay bills instead of spending the money my hubby works so hard to make. You just have to find that right balance. It's a tough one.

Jenn@mylifewiththecrazies said...

Totally feel your pain... though the thought of you chasing the kids around the house is a bit funny * giggling*... drop em off at my house for awhile... let me do the chasing! LOL... Did tehy bring home the party invite for Trev's party yesterday?

Ashlie- Mommycosm said...

I think we all feel some degree of Mommy guilt whether we are at home, working from home or at work. The key is to find the balance that works for your family. I don't have the answers - still searching for that balance myself.

((hugs))

Michele Renee said...

I hear ya. I have done it for the money my whole life (except for when I have been on maternity leave and at other times laid off). For 2 years I was sole breadwinner. Now husband teaches so he has the same weeks off as they do. What do they get out of it? A closer relationship to their dad that many do not. It pains me to say it but they are lucky in that way. Having one on one dates with them really, really helps me.

Chica said...

Bah! I have the same problem with Gap pants! The "short" is too short and the "regular" is too long. WTF, indeed.

amanda said...

once again u leave me wishing i had the right words...

i am in the opposite boat. and if it makes u feel any better i think some days if i was gone at a "job" the kid might actually get more out of me when i'd be home.

guessing that doesn't help?

but i do think u r doing a helluva job - one i know would leave me n tears everyday.

T with Honey said...

And then you get to work and just sit there reading blogs and surfing the Internet not able to focus or find any motivation to get any real work done. Or is that just me?

If I worked closer to Boston I'd love to meet for lunch so we can cry in our margaritas together. And I'll really need that drink this fall after the baby is born and maternity leave is up.

Fishbowl said...

Awwww, you are SUCH a good mom, and you DO spend quality time with them. And even better, you turn busy, errands time into QT, by paying attention to them and listening to them and showing them you love them. It's obvious in everything you do. So stop crying you sap.
And just think of all the guilt you can hold over them later when they drop out of college "Do you know how many hours I put in working so YOU could have an education?!?"

slouching mom said...

Aww. I'm sorry, Sarah. xox

Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com said...

Ohhh, don't cry, just hang in there, you're doing the right thing and circumstances change with time *hugs*

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

You know what we talked about the other day? You're doing this now? It's temporary? This too shall pass?

Blah blah blah.

It doesn't help when you feel this way. So I offer you instead hugs and sympathetic nods and a promise of that drink that we KEEP TALKING ABOUT. And one day better cookies than the ones I made you on Monday.

*smooches*

Heidi said...

I read your post and I've been thinking about it a lot. I, too, feel a little of the same. Now, I only have one child so far but for the last week, I've been SO angry of going through the same motions every.single.day. Work-home-bed..same thing over and over again.

I hate coming home at 6pm with my son ready to eat dinner NOW. No time to actually cook. And sometimes my husband doesn't get home from the office until after 9pm. That right there will make you feel like a single mother.

What I DO know is that I don't want to stay home full time. Hopefully I can find a balance.

Good luck with everything. You are an AWESOME mother. I always enjoy reading your funny stories!

Michelle said...

I agree on your last point. 'Nuff said.

sniff sniff

katesaid said...

Yep. It sucks, hardcore.

I have the added guilt of NOT being able to find a job so as to financially support the family, and then feel guilty about not being home. I have guilt about not adequately enjoying my extra time with my kids now, because I'm so stressed and depressed that I can barely get out of my own head.

It'll get better. It has to. Right? Right?!?

Fiona said...

I agree with a few other commenters... there are days I wish I could go to work! We do what is best for our families at the time. I'm glad you enjoyed your time at home.

Judy said...

(((((HUGS)))))

Michelle said...

I know exactly how you feel. I think a lot of mothers do.

More, More, More said...

I am so with you sister! I love my job but I am so tired of explaining to the kids why I can't volunteer in class or have lunch with them any more! My husband suggests all too often that I should quit again but working and being successful is good for us too. I don't have any words of advice because I struggle too. Know you're not alone...

Deb said...

Oh, hon, lot of hugs being sent your way. There's no way to make it easy, is there? Staying at home, there's a part of me that feels very useless in this economy, like I should be picking up my career so we can sock away loads of cash "just in case". It's really unfair that men don't feel torn like this!! (Bastards.)

I have to say the image of Middle cheering Baby on made me laugh! I know that's going to be me in a couple years when my little one is old enough to run. (Snots.)

pjmomof3boys said...

Hey, Sarah, I struggle with this EVERY DAY. Not that it's really an option for me not to work right now, but that doesn't keep me from feeling the mommy guilt. I think it's just part of the "mom package." Sorry, I'm no help, but at least you know there's someone else who feels your pain! :)

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