Friday, April 17, 2009

Full of Crap - Literally

Warning: Yet another post about poop and puke.

Don't say you weren't warned...

I was home today with the boyz, as Middle and Baby both had preschool programs at school. That started at 10 a.m. Making it impossible for me to attempt even a 1/2 day of work, since I work so frigging far away. But oh darn, it was Friday, it was 70 degrees and sunny, and I had to take a day off.

After preschool, we had a playdate at my friend Jodie's house.

While there, Middle complained of a bellyache.

When we got home, he immediately laid down on the couch. I felt his forehead and he was warm. He was running a fever of 101. I dosed him with Motrin.

And while I ran around the Trenches like a crazy-woman, attempting to gather my shit valuable things for a yard sale at my Sis's tomorrow, Middle continued to lay down.

He drank some Gatorade and ate a banana. (I'm foreshadowing here, folks.)

When Hubby and Eldest left at 6 to head to ball practice, I figured I would bathe Middle and get him all comfy-cozy in his jammies.

While undressing, he began to cry and complained that he couldn't bend. His belly? Was completely distended and hard as a rock. Think Sally Struthers and Ethiopians.

I immediately called our pediatrician.

Who happened to still be in his office at 6:30 p.m. and asked me to come right down - gotta love small town doctors (his office is 5 minutes away).

I sent Baby over to our next-door neighbors and gunned it down the road.

3/4 of the way there, while moaning, Middle loudly proclaimed, "I hafta 'frow up."

And he did.

Bright red fruity Gatorade and banana chunks.

All over himself, his carseat and the floor.

While I was driving.

When we arrived at the pediatrician's, I got him out of the car and stripped him down. To his undies. Outside. And left the clothes on the sidewalk. The whole entire time thinking, "I can't believe this is my life right now."

Meanwhile, I had called Hubby right after Middle had horked all over his preshus SUV to tell him to LEAVE PRACTICE. GO HOME. GET CLOTHES FOR MIDDLE. INCLUDING UNDERWEAR AND SOCKS. ALSO? BRING CLEANING SUPPLIES. AND MEET ME AT THE DR.

My pediatrician (keep in mind that he's a 4'10" Korean man who was also Hubby's doctor when Hubby was a child) examined Middle from head to toe and then proclaimed, "I need to do a rectal exam. Hold his legs."

Allrighty then.

And that? Got the "juices" flowing.

Seems Middle was QUITE, uh....backed up.

"Partially impacted" in medical-speak.

I rushed him to the potty. Where he proceeded to fart and crap for a looooong time.

(It was a triple flusher.)

And I was seriously thinking to myself: THAT was all it took? A rubber glove and some lube? I could have done that at home, had I known! Which, in turn, would have prevented the spewage all over the car.

After that?

Middle was a completely different child. Happy. Silly. Like a load had been lifted dumped. Heh.

How glamorous is my life?

Edited to add: And as I was typing this? Hubby yelled to me from upstairs, "SARAH!" (It was the Panicked Husband Yelp.) So I scurried. Seems Middle wasn't quite done. He pooped his pants. Just now. My poor little buddy.

So I will have a different bed-mate tonight (Middle) whilst Hubby sleeps in Middle's twin bed.

(And I won't even begin to discuss the STENCH of the Trenches right now. Oh. My. Gah.)



Tiffany said...

Oh dear.

Oh my.

There is nothing worse than being backed up.

Except maybe being you.


A Christian Mom said...

I'm so sorry I giggled while reading this! Can't help it, the way you worded it... I can't even imagine! I hope Middle is feeling much better & there is no more poop!

amanda said...

oh my. oh wow.

your life never ceases to amaze me. and gross me out :)

hoping for a poop appropriate weekend!

Mrs. Fabulous said...

You deserve an award or something!! My, oh my! Well, good thing Middle feels better!!

Kris said...

I'm laughing so hard right now. Being a mom of five year old twins, I totally know that "I can't believe this is my life" feeling. But, seriously, what fantastic material for a blog post. I hope your weekend is better.

Jenni said...

Oh my.

My, oh my...

I hope he is MUCH better!

Judy said...

Here - I'm passing along my mom-medal to you - you definitely deserve it!

Ali said...

ugh. the very WORST part of parenting. HUGS!

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness...that's terrible and hysterical! I hope he feels better and doesn't give you any "surprises" in the middle of the night!

Amelia said...


Poor little guy.


k e r r y said...

Girl! Only you could get me giggling about poop! Ha! Glad the little guy is feeling better!

Banteringblonde said...

oh. I'm sorry! I hope he feels better now!

Lynette3boys said...

Oh boy. Thanks for the warning ahead of time. I am so glad I finished eating before I read this. Hope everyone is on the mend.

Suburb Sierra said...

I am ROFLMAO - I wish I read this Friday to share with family over the weekend - poop stories are big in our house. I am soooo sorry you had to go through that, but what a friggin' great post!

Amanda @ Serenity Now said...

Oh no. I'm so sorry to laugh at your expense, but that was funny. Maybe someday you will laugh too?? We've done the throw-up in the car thing. No. Fun. Yuck!!!

Kmommy said...

AAAKKK!! Oh my! Thank God it was warm! Once we did a road trip (in the middle of sub-zero weather) and my 3 year old son started barfing just after the first hour. Of course it was just a day trip and I hadn't thought to pack him extra clothes! No place along the road to buy any. Did find a child sized t-shirt and a small adult long sleeve shirt... it was awful!

Michelle said...

Oh my good gracious. There are no words.


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