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My co-host and I are happy to have you with us this evening, right Co-Host?
Apparently, Co-Host got bored with the pre-show festivities and has moved on to other things. Bygones.
Opening number: There is nothing sexier than a man who can sing and dance and look hawt all the same time, is there? Oh wait. Yes there is. An Australian accent. I'm now officially a Hugh Jackman fan.
8:43 p.m.: Anjelica Houston looks like a drag queen. Whoopi Goldberg looks like a leopard. A tatooed leopard. A scary tatooed leopard. And Goldie Hawn's plastic surgeon has certainly been busy with her, eh?
Best Supporting Actress winner: Penelope Cruz. I'm kinda just meh on her tonight. Blah (wedding?) dress. Blah hair with bangs. And beside, I can't understand a word she's saying.
8:53 p.m.: Confession: I totally have a girl crush on Tina Fey. She's just so witty and sarcastic and cool.
Awesome and heartfelt equal rights speech by Milk's Original Screenplay winner.
9:01 p.m.: Slumdog Millionaire's 1st (of many?) win for Adapted Screenplay.
9:03 p.m.: Jennifer Anniston! Please pan the camera to Brangelina, pleaseohplease...Yes! A quick shot of AJ. And then again! (They show a shot of the power couple in the front row.)
Damn, no drama. What do you think Angelina was thinking the entire time while her husband's radiant ex-wife was standing onstage in front of her?
9:15 p.m.: Sarah Jessica Parker's boobs are ginormous in her very Carrie-ish dress.
9:18 p.m.: Brad Pitt 1, Angelina 0. (Best Art Direction: Benjamin Button wins over The Changeling.)
Crap! I hear someone crying upstairs...
9:45 p.m.: Eldest? Could win an Oscar tonight. That is, if they measured BEST PUKE. Yeah. Before I had even ascended halfway up the stairs, I could smell it. Poor buddy was covered in it. Even his socks. And yes, there was chunkage. Lots.
So now I have a sick pal next to me, a load of laundry going (comforter, pillow and mattress pad) and another load of sheets left to do:
Why yes, those would be sopping wet rinsed out sheets and pjs on my counter, next to the bananas. (HUBBY) For the record, I was fully prepared to just toss everything in the trash, but Hubby's more economical head prevailed and it was he who was hosing off puke chunks in the driveway in the freezing cold. Bless him.
And if you want a recap of what happened at the Oscars between 9:15 and 9:45, well, you're shit-outta-luck here. As am I. *sigh*
10:02 p.m.: Best Supporting Actor - Heath Ledger. Yes. Such a poignant address by his family.
Well folks, looks like this year's Oscar commentary is gonna have to be cut short. Sometimes other things are simply way more important.
We'll try again next year.