Tuesday, January 06, 2009

On Marriage

Leading parallel lives...

You hear this phrase a lot when talking specifically about one's marriage, especially when said marriage involves children and careers.

Hubby and I are no exception.

Monday through Friday, we're like 2 ships passing in the night morning. I get up, work out, shower and get ready for work. By the time I'm done, Hubby has already had his coffee, packed the boyz' backpacks, cleaned up the kitchen, and is heading to the shower. We breeze by each other with a quick, "Have a good day."

Our telephone conversations and e-mails during the week pretty much consist of such excitement as what's for dinner, or what our upcoming weekend plans are. Riveting, I know.

In the evenings, when I arrive home, Hubby is usually preparing dinner (yep), which gives me enough time to quickly change into my pjs my clothes and help get dinner on the table.

After that, it's all about the boyz. Wii time (bowling! with blue balls and strap-ons!), baths, books, snuggles and bed.

Thankfully, the boyz are great sleepers. Always have been. So we don't have any bedtime issues (except for the bedwetting or the occasional pukeage, neither of which has occurred lately. Aaaandd with that...I probably just jinxed myself.) So when they're down for the night, they're down.

By this time, it's around 8:30. I'm tired. Hubby usually heads down into Mantown in the finished basement to watch sports on his big TV. I usually head down there as well, to sit in the adjacent room with the computer. Checking e-mails, reading blogs, surfing Facebook.

There is little to no interaction between the 2 of us. Eventually one of us retires to bed first (usually me) and is asleep before the other one comes upstairs.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Sound familiar?

Lately though, there's been a slight change. A change for the better, I must say.

After we put the boyz to bed, Hubby and I have both been retiring into the sunroom. Together. (I'm not sure what brought about this change in his routine. I have a hunch though, that it's simply warmth. It's MUCH warmer in the sunroom than in the basement.) So although most times we're sitting on separate couches and there is usually sports on the TV, I feel closer to him. I don't feel the urge to be on the computer as much. Sitting in the same room initiates more conversations. It's good. Even though I still go to bed earlier, and am usually asleep by the time he comes to bed, I don't feel as isolated.

So often it's easier to just NOT DEAL with the whole marriage dynamic, don't you think? Instead, we focus on the children, the career(s), the house, the money, the blahblahblah.

That's why I'm a huDge advocate of date nights and the rare weekend getaways. And now, simply SITTING IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER. To remember. To remember what life was like before all the craziness. To remember why you fell in love. To remember what attracted you in the first place. To remember.


Hubby weighs in (via e-mail):

"I sit up there in the sunroom because maybe I miss sitting in a room with you for more than dinner. Are you happy now that I admit that?
Love you. Good blog."


Shanna said...

What a great post. I can completely relate to most of it. Sometimes we sit in the same room together, but usually I fall asleep very early.

Amy said...

This IS a great post! I was compusing on in my mind Sunday about how much hubby and I need our weekend getaways (having just spent two weeks off with the kids...)!

Manic Mommy said...

EXACTLY! I like to think it's more of a case of too tired to communicate effectively.

We too try (and often fail) to have date nights, which often translate to sitting at the table drinking a glass of wine. Either way, it's communication and we still do like each other.

chrissyrudd said...

One of the BEST weekends EVER was our marriage encounter at Merimar Retreat Center in Duxburry. SO AMAZING! What a reconnect. My husband even highly recommends it, even though it involved feelings. Check out www.wwmema.org

Mrs. Fabulous said...

Well said! I think a lot of can relate to this!

Jennifer said...

I completely agree with you! I think part of it is finding the joy in the little things that you do together.

Anonymous said...

Oh My, I thought it was just my dysfunctional family - but now maybe it seems to be a norm with all us working moms and such.

We have been trying to just turn off the tv for an hour every night. Seems to have helped, but now there is a newborn to contend with. Sigh...

amanda said...

sooo very true.

sometimes hubby and i just lay in bed on our own laptops and i feel like it counts as a date!

how sad is that??

Patois42 said...

Your sunroom sitting and Amanda's co-laptopping definitely fall into the date category for me.

Chris said...

I, like the other readers, am totally with you on this. And LOL @ hubby's e-mail. Sounds like he's tired of "his bowling problems" and is sucking up.

Kaza said...

How cute is that email?

Another Mom on the Internet said...

Great blog! So sounds like my life.

Deb said...

Awww... so sweet of him to weigh in!

Since our baby was born a few weeks ago, we've been hanging out in the bedroom watching movies together on my laptop. It's kind of nice. We never do that anymore!

k e r r y said...

so very try and what a great post! Its not easy to do what you guys did... The rut is like a black hole!

Michelle said...

ahhhhh...I read this after the reading what he said about your hair, etc.

And now you totally can't get mad at him! Maybe it's canceled out?! :)

Michele R said...

Hi there,
I recently discovered your blog and enjoy reading about your family and your times with your friends. I too have 3 boys but they are older: 12,10 and 8. I too schlep to work every day. After I read this post I wanted to say I can relate, EXCEPT wait until they are all into sports. Because the difference in our evening is that there are many practices and games during the week, the bedtimes are later, and the weekend has a couple of their sports games too! That means less me/friend time. But I adore them all.
--Michele in Atlanta (starting a blog soon).


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