Tuesday, January 27, 2009

A Letter To A Fellow Employee

Dear Fellow Employee,

You may wonder why I am writing. After all, we only pass each other awkwardly in the bathroom. (But then again, aren't all bathroom interactions a bit awkward?) We've never spoken, although I have certainly noticed your odd bathroom habit where you flush the toilet 6 TIMES! IN A ROW! when you're still in there. But I won't talk about that. (Whoops, already did, didn't I?)

This letter is my way of venting about you. Wanna know why? Keep reading.

An attorney assigned YOU this task:

You were given a stack of closing documents, indexed 1-34. You were instructed to prepare closing binders. Two separate volumes of closing binders, 12 each. 24 binders in total.

A burdensome task certainly, what with the double-sided copying, hole-punching, indexing, etc. Also, tedious and mind-numbing, I'll give you that.

But it's not rocket science. Nor is it brain surgery.

As a matter of fact, you don't even have to be familiar with the documents! Guess what? You just have to know HOW TO COUNT.


Apparently you don't.

(Lemme let you in on a few secrets: page 9 does not follow page 7; sometimes the copier eats pages - it's good to double-check your work; hole-punching on the WRONG side and still inserting it into a binder constitutes LAZINESS.)

So I? Was asked to fix your mess.

Which was fine, because, let's face it - you and I both know that our Company is getting rid of people left and right. So, heck, if I'm asked to (re)create some binders, you bet your sweet asscheeks that I will do so.

But holy hell, lady.

You apparently didn't even TRY on this task. Those binders were f'ed up pieces of work that took practically two days to properly fix.

I'm flabbergasted that you still have a job.

And I think your excessive toilet flushing is weird.

Your Binder Bitch,

P.S. I guess I must grudgingly thank you though. The attorney working on the project ended up sending this e-mail about me to my supervisor. Your ineptness has made me shine! All because I can put a binder together properly. Wooo hooo!

From the attorney:
"As you might know, we have been putting together a set of binders containing documents for the second half of the [abc] transaction (i.e. documents related to our [xyz] and [lmnop] products.) Sarah has assisted with that project, and I just wanted you to know that she has done a terrific job in pulling together a number of confusing documents - arranging misnumbered and miscopied pages; finding signatures, exhibits, etc. It's very much appreciated."


Chris said...

LMAO @ Your Binder Bitch. Don't you just LOVE being the 'good employee' who gets to pick up after the slackers.

Another Mom on the Internet said...

"Your Binder Bitch"

I have to say "thank you" this made me laugh so hard (which I really needed this morning).

I really enjoy reading your blogs!

Allison said...

ha ha h athis was very funny to me. I bet it relieved some stress. I will have to try it some time!

Anonymous said...

Lol - doesn't it just drive you insane!

Amanda said...

I love work posts! And I had occasion to recall your nugget-in-vomit post last night as bits of things that should never have to be identified in one's bed sheets were in fact being identified by me. At 3am. And then 4am. And then...you get it.

Manic Mommy said...

This post makes me long for corporate life, when having a brain and a conscience made you infinitely more capable than many around you.

Make sure you save the email to your 'yay me' folder for review time, you team player, you.

Janet said...

Sheesh. At least you got the glowing email though, right? And a spiffy new nickname: Binder Bitch. Rock it.

Patois42 said...

When I look around and see competent people without jobs and then see that this woman still has a job, I have to wonder about life. Oh, right, it ain't fair.

But "Binder Bitch" is the best name ever!

Mrs. Fabulous said...

How freaking funny!

...sorry you had to be the Binder Bitch, though!

Heather said...

She flushes the toilet six times in a row because that's how many times it takes to flush your brains down the toilet. Obviously she does it every morning, no?

Chaotic Joy said...

Oh. My. Word. You poor thing. I must say, that I have done this before. I took the kids out walking in the double stroller and then it started pouring and made a run for the car. I put the kids in and when I was putting the stroller in the trunk Ben locked him and Clara in the car. I stood outside outside in the pouring rain alone at night bawling. I was eventually able to talk my 2-year-old son through how to unlock the door. Yeesh.


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