1. A cinnamon bun or bagel isn't fattening when you break off small pieces to eat instead of biting directly into it. Even if you end up eating the entire thing.
2. Putting on workout clothes counts as half a workout.
3. There are no calories in leftover food off your child's plate.
4. A cheeseburger and fries isn't fattening as long as you wash them down with a diet soda.
5. Working up a sweat while attempting to buckle a squirming toddler into a carseat or stroller counts as half a workout. If there are people staring at you during this, it counts as a full workout.
6. If your clothes feel snug, it's because your damn dryer shrinks your clothes.
7. Fruit is healthy. Thus, Twizzlers are fine, because hello? Strawberry. Same goes for a blueberry muffin. Blueberries! Antioxidants!
8. No fat frozen yogurt is a diet dessert. Even when smothered in hot fudge, peanuts and whipped cream.
9. If you have every intention of running outdoors, but it starts to rain, it counts as a workout.
10. Diet tonic is a diet drink. With gin, of course.
11. M&Ms are so teeny-tiny. Thus, no calories! Same goes for jellybeans.
12. If you eat something purely because you don't want to be wasteful and throw it out, there are no calories.
13. If you feel obligated to eat because it's expected (example: at a breakfast meeting), then those calories certainly don't count.
Don't you all find it hard to believe that I'm not a registered dietician?! I seriously missed my calling here.