Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Sarah's Dieting Rules

1. A cinnamon bun or bagel isn't fattening when you break off small pieces to eat instead of biting directly into it. Even if you end up eating the entire thing.

2. Putting on workout clothes counts as half a workout.

3. There are no calories in leftover food off your child's plate.

4. A cheeseburger and fries isn't fattening as long as you wash them down with a diet soda.

5. Working up a sweat while attempting to buckle a squirming toddler into a carseat or stroller counts as half a workout. If there are people staring at you during this, it counts as a full workout.

6. If your clothes feel snug, it's because your damn dryer shrinks your clothes.

7. Fruit is healthy. Thus, Twizzlers are fine, because hello? Strawberry. Same goes for a blueberry muffin. Blueberries! Antioxidants!

8. No fat frozen yogurt is a diet dessert. Even when smothered in hot fudge, peanuts and whipped cream.

9. If you have every intention of running outdoors, but it starts to rain, it counts as a workout.

10. Diet tonic is a diet drink. With gin, of course.

11. M&Ms are so teeny-tiny. Thus, no calories! Same goes for jellybeans.

12. If you eat something purely because you don't want to be wasteful and throw it out, there are no calories.

13. If you feel obligated to eat because it's expected (example: at a breakfast meeting), then those calories certainly don't count.

Don't you all find it hard to believe that I'm not a registered dietician?! I seriously missed my calling here.


Anonymous said...

I am so on board with your weight-loss mentality. I never count calories from my kids' plates, and my damn dryer has been shrinking EVERYTHING lately. Well, not everything...just mine. It's biased.

And may I ask...why are you searching for "Camel Toe" on youtube???? I'm going to have nightmares.

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

Re #1 - I feel the same way about donuts. It's even acceptable to eat two if you share at least half of one with your kid.

GHD said...

Those are some brilliant rules to live by! I like it! I am in full support!

Mom of 5 said...

I can honestly say I have stuck to your diet plan better than any other I have ever attempted.

Cheryl said...

Yesterday I told my husband that the oatmeal cookies I eat when standing up don't count. And they are oatmeal, and that's a whole grain, so really, I might as well be eating pure health and wellness.

AnnetteK said...

Hey, I've been following that diet for years! Glad I'm not the only one.

A's Mom said...

I totally agree with all these rules... now if only my body would hold true to them!

Potty Mummy said...

Oooh, oooh, I have some...

1. Broken biscuits don't count. The calories have all leaked out.

2. If you're travelling, food doesn't count. Calories stay home.

3. If it's brown - no calories (for obvious reasons - it goes straight through you)

4. If it's white - no calories. You're not trying to tell me there are calories in harmless potatoes, surely?

5. If you put a diet mixer in an alcoholic drink (Vodka and slimline, anyone?), it negates the calories.

Want more?

Shell in the City said...

What words of diet wisdom! I feel a class action suit coming on re: dryers!! Speaking of dieticians, I was just in Nashville & my friend from TX who was there is a dietician. I felt like I was being watched by Bob Greene the whole time. I hope your dad is recovering well from the surgery!!

MadMad said...

You forgot driving to the gym, heh heh! (Wherein your toddler refuses to stay with the daycare lady; the gym is actually closed; the class you wanted is full, etc., etc.)

Elizabeth said...

If you WERE a dietician, I'd totally hire you.

Caffeine Court said...

I've been following your diet for a few days now, and I've already gained 20 lbs! What's the dealio?? :)

Deb said...

Never forget: food consumed on vacation and your birthday contains zero calories!!

Man, you should write a book! This is my diet precisely!


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