Monday, July 16, 2007

Not For the Weak of Stomach

Took the 3 boyz (and a friend of Eldest's who slept over) to the local playground this morning. At 8:30am.

Needless to say, shocker, we were the first ones there and had the place to ourselves.

The boyz were all up early, and started playing baseball outside this morning at 7:45am. I thought (silly me) that they would be relatively quiet. Until I heard screaming, "Ohhhh, that's a bomb! Gone!" over and over again.

Eldest and his buddy were hitting wiffle balls over the roof of our house. Repeatedly. Scared my neighbors (who have older children) were going to be ticked (wouldn't you if you were woken up at the ass crack of dawn by kids playing outdoors wayyyy earlier than an acceptable 9:00ish??) I whisked the kids into the car and drove to the playground.

Until Middle said he had to poop. Middle, who hasn't pooped for 3 days and has woken up the past few nights with a bellyache due to said inability to squeeze one out. I'm thinking, "This is soooo not good right now..."

Ok, ok, gather the troops. Load them in car. Figure that I have time to make it to grocery store to use restroom. When turning car around, I notice a lone porta-potty, the rays of sun glistening on its roof like fairy dust. Just kidding.

Decide, hey that will do.

Pull car up to lone green dome. Leave other 3 in car with Cars soundtrack blaring. Unload Middle.

Open disgusting door trying not to use my hands (kinda hard). Plunk Middle on seat, instructing him, then YELLING at him to quit LOOKING down there! Gag to myself. Keep door propped open and look the other way while not inhaling. Middle instructs, "Look at me Mom!" Stare at his forehead, trying not to notice spiderwebs, fungus and mold contained within porta-potty.



Eldest yells from car, "Is he donnnnnnnnnnnne yet?"

Middle is straining ever so mightily to unleash the fury of 3 days worth of chicken nuggets, hot dogs and french fries nutritious and healthy meals. Poor buddy. His eyes are popping out of his head and he's working up a sweat. His face is beet red. Pee trickles down his leg. I gag again.

Finally, the telltale PLOP (it was more like a KER-PLUNK, actually) can be heard.

And again.

And again.

Middle smiles sweetly, relief etched on his little mug.

Finally, he's done. He bends over for me to wipe. The weak porta-potty excuse-for-toilet-paper disintegrates in my hands. Now my hand is covered in 3 days worth of built-up shit soiled. I wipe as best I can, gagging, yet still not breathing, slide up Middle's damp undies and shorts and haul him back to the truck where I use multiple baby wipes to wipe my hands and what I can of Middle's entire body.

Turn car around and head back to playground for more fun. Notice clock in car. It's only 8:52am.


Anonymous said...

Wow, that is a lot of s--t (pun intended) to go through before 9 am!

Porto-pottys totally skeeve me out. I had to use on this weekend, and the guy in front of me dropped a huge load, staring me right in the face as I opened the lid. It was DISGUSTING!! (My apologies to anyone who was eating while reading that)!

Jane, P&B Girls

Annie said...

A mother's love truly knows no bounds eh? I was so happy for middle that he got rid of that - no fun.

Peaches are good if it ever happens again ;)

Jennifer said...

Oh, you are a brave, crazy woman!

Sarah said...

You deserve a medal for getting through that morning!

tinamtl said...


I don't make a habit of advertising my blogs on other people's blog comments...but you really should read this one LOL

It's my portopottynaphobia LOL

(Glad middle is all better now...I would have gone to the grocery store ;0)

Carla said...

I applaud your fortitude and why do you keep living my life?

tulipmom said...

Poor Middle. We are very familiar with constipation here at Tulip House. The Port-o-Potty takes it all to a new level, though.

hot potato said...

what an experience. i have had some doozies with my own son but thank God he doesn't get up that early. having to be "parent" too early in the day throws me off for the rest of it. if i know he hasn't gone and needs to, i still take the potty seat in the back of the suv (even though he sits on the toilet now) just in case.

Blog Owner said...

This is why I'm not pottytraining my kids until they're old enough to drive themselves to a toilet.

Angela said...

Oh my what a morning! I am sure he felt much better.

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

Um, wow. So sorry Chicky and I couldn't join you guys this morning.

That poor kid! First he falls in a puddle and now this. I think we need to switch playgrounds because our usual haunt is obviously cursed for Middle.

Heather said...

Port a potties are the pits of hell.

Olivia: (mostly) Happy Homemaker said...

Oh, that is funny! You tell it so well!

k e r r y said...

you are a brave and a strong woman! whoh.

Janet said...

Crappy morning! (Ha!)

At least Middle will use a portapotty. My own Middle (girl) refuses. She had to pee so badly recently at a canoe show, and that's all that was around, so my husband took her in while the rest of us waited a little distance away. All you could hear was, "No Daddy! I don't wanna! No, Daddy! Noooo!!" I had to explain to alarmed passersby that, in fact, it was my husband and daughter in there, not a pedophile.


Natalie said...

Oh. My. Gosh. Eeeeew, but when you gotta go you gotta go! Reminds me of the time (actually just last month) Little Man decided to poop his pants on the airplane with nowhere to go. We all know how small those lavatories are, but you don't realize JUST how small they are until you are trying to clean up a turd covered three year old in that approximately 2 foot by 2 foot space.

painted maypole said...

the things we do as mothers, eh? Glamorous life, this.

carrie said...

Just another day in mommy paradise, huh?

Thank god for baby wipes. I seriously do not know how our mother's did it without them.


Ms. Skywalker said...

I am completely impressed that you did not vomit.


Maureen Fitzgerald said...

I HATE portapottys. When I was 8 months pregnant, my class took a field trip to a field (no lie). It was actually some kind of historical site, but no indoor plumbing at all. Plus it was 90+ degrees and I was drinking tons of water to stay hydrated. I was physically gagging every time I had to use the portapotty. At one point, I actually stuck my class with another teacher and drove the half mile to use a Mobil rest room. You know you're hard up when a gas station bathroom feels like a luxury!

Kelly said...

All in a day's work. Funny how we moms seem to fit in an entire day before some people even get out from under the covers. Glad Middle has cleared the intestines. No fun being constipated!

Kila said...

LOL, I can relate. Good times!

I hope you wiped off your hands BEFORE taking that picture. ;)

All 3 of mine can wipe themselves now, yippee! Why isn't there a place to record this achievement in their baby books?

Blog Antagonist said...

LOL...what is it with boys and poop? We've had more mishaps with poop than I care to remember. I feel your pain!

Cherann said...

Nice. And you lived to blog about it.

Cara said...

Ewwww. Just kidding. I agree with Kelly, it funny all the tings Mom's deal with before other even wake.
Gotta love the baby wipes!

Anonymous said...

Love it... they alway have to go at the worst possible times.
Lost your email - so drop me a line - I'm still where you left me.
Your fellow paralegal..Pam

Not the Maid said...

What, no Purell bath? Ugh, I hate portapotties.

That 3-day thing happens with my youngest too. Last week, we tried Fletcher's - a liquid laxative for kids. Not even three hours later, he had a perfectly normal non-painful BM, and all was right with the world again.

Anonymous said...

OMG so funny.. But totally made me gag, especially since my morning sickness hasn't gone away yet even at 15 weeks...

Blue Momma said...

Just found your blog. What a great post.

But you live in MA. Don't yall call them Sani-cans?


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